Being sober makes you deal with demons you did not know you had or those you kept ignoring. On a night in 2019 i looked down to my wrist and a knife at this point i have not slept for 4 days, i was so tired i just wanted off the ride… Tired of everything. Everything.
Something said "go to bed" and so i turned around grabbed a beer and drank it in a few minutes… I went to bed… This repeats it self a few times thru out two weeks.
I sat down in my work station and realized what was happening, I panicked so busy like it was nothing i stopped drinking. I was afraid to turn into my birth father ever so much more afraid of what may happen if i did not stop.
Week 1 thru Week 10 was absolutely terrible o was craving it and felt the need instead I'll read, take a bath or work..
Weeks passed and 100 days later i noted i did not need it but still thought of it, but then the demons came fast & hard. Days crying and beating my self for failed friendships, relationships, parenting and work choices, conversation from years or weeks before. Anxiety attacks non stop going into 170 days about everything and detached from my friends and family. I have been quiet about it to people and not discussing much but after a few friends break ups i was so done with the need of friends. 200 days in having to deal with my mothers cancer evolving and moving to something worse… I wanted to drink.. I needed comfort from somewhere my vices were gone and so i sat and created, cried alot in the shower like any grown adult. Thru this time i also realized i was inside and out that i always knew but i never put the name to it. I was non binary i was happy but also i just exploded with the news… I was over being cute and quiet…. From day 200 to 250 where i am now i realized being sober means dealing with your feelings, not escaping them nor avoiding them.
From failure to success everything was 150% more intense! How? Why? I still don't know and don't think i will.
I did not travel much this year am also growing in business that it self has been alot to much but i wanted this… So now in this moment o tell you am all here and awake… Not drinking has made me raw but awake aware and available to deal with my past and present to come thru a better me tomorrow.
Evolving yourself is no easy work, getting to know you is not easy is hell honestly getting over pain and trauma has been there has been stupid hard but I'm getting there.
I hope to make it longer then a year work out alcahol or medication. Yes no depression or anxiety meds this is key for me, i gave myself the challenge and abilities to grow on a very hard level and am happy i did…
My healing started with this and it will continue with other things like outer work…
I don't know if you like history but i do, In the picture below you are not only appropriating mexican culture but mocking it's history. You are dressed as a Adelita (Soldaderas) In the 1900's they were a feminist symbol in the revolution against Spain. They fought next to men in ranks as high as commanding officers and they were a key elements in winning our independence against the monarchy of Spain.
Let's rewind to when the French occupied Mexico
The French Intervention is the period when France invaded Mexico in 1861, it was a nominally to collect on defaulted loans to the liberal government of Benito Juárez, France was supported by Spain and England.
France had other plans- They wanted to occupy Mexico and but it went further and at the invitation of Mexican conservatives seeking to restore monarchy in Mexico set Maximilian I on the Mexican throne.
The same people who supported the system of Canastas that was establish by the Spanish elite, If you are not familiar is a slavery system that was to categorize people of color other then white in the 17th to 18th century.
It was not abolished till 1829 and Maximilian I wanted to reestablish the system.
Emperor Napoleon III of France was the instigator, justifying military intervention by claiming a broad foreign policy of commitment to free trade. For him, a friendly government in Mexico would ensure European access to Latin American markets. Napoleon also wanted the silver that could be mined in Mexico to finance his empire.
France had various interests in this Mexican affair, such as seeking reconciliation with Austria, which had been defeated during the Franco-Austrian War of 1859, counterbalancing the growing American Protestant power by developing a powerful Catholic neighboring empire, and exploiting the rich mines in the north-west of the country.
After heavy guerrilla resistance led by Benito Juárez, which had never ceased to exist even after the capital had fallen in 1863, the French eventually withdrew from Mexico. The US was engaged in its own Civil War 1861,
It did not attempt to block the foreign intervention. Abraham Lincoln consistently supported the Mexican liberals. At the end of the civil war in the US and the triumph of the Union forces, the US actively aided Mexican liberals against Maximilian's regime. France withdrew its support of Maximilian in 1867 and his monarchist rule collapsed in 1867 and Maximilian was executed.
This all became a very famous day that americans drink in but we remember as The Battle of Puebla.
Where there was Soldaderas fighting against the french.
So, Tell me how exactly is this respectful to my country? There is you in the picture above
Then there is them bellow. Let's move to your lovely friend FaFa Bulleuse.
Oh, FaFa Bulleuse if there was ever a time to point out a few things is now.
So, We touched on you doing black face.....to "honor" Nina Simone.
Incase some one missed it here is the link
I'm here to talk about your Dia De Los Muertos act.... Yeah the other Culturally offensive act you do....
Sooo i hope you like history tooooo!!!!!!
So, The Aztecs were one of the many Mesoamerican Civilizations that flourished for nearly 40 centuries, Their belief in the afterlife was that people do not cease to exist once they die instead, their soul carried on to the underworld. Where "Lady of The Dead" Goddess Mictecacihuatl, The aztecs believed that our deceased preferred to be celebrated, rather than mourned. The mictecacihuatl festival lasted for about a month in the old world and it was the 9th month on the Aztec calendar.
In 1521 the spanish came and failed to understand Aztec tradition, Implementing the catholic religion upon the land but that was not very effective. Till They reached a compromise a blend per say - The shortening of the festival to two days that coincided with their own celebration "All Saints Day" and "All Souls Day" This was a key change in the Dia De Los Muertos. Aztec custom still prevailed but they still took a few centuries for these traditions to slowly warp to what we know today and what i learned as a child. Even then goddess found a new form in "La Catrina".
This holiday is used to celebrate our ancestors, our family and pay our respects to the traditions of our old civilization. We are not a costume- Do not insult my ancestors or my family like this.
I can't belive both of you did not do your research on these acts, further the fact that you appropriate more then one culture. The fact that you don't see how offensive this is kinda just shows your privalage and your lack of attention to world politics.
I added my sources on the bottom of the page... It was as simple as googling
Hope you can learn something.
Like, You know - Don't appropriate culture.
from This Mexican Immigrant
I've sat here and re wrote every single word over and over.
Since my second trimester of pregnancy last year i have been very quietly battling a debilitating mix of mental disorders that have been slowly taking hold of my mind and body.
The toll is really starting to show and i just need to be vocal about it to my friends and fans, as i feel like am being swallowed alive.
Is been a bit terrifying to have depression and anxiety during my life,
as past incidents have been always in my mind to avoid being still enough to think.
As my little bundle of joy was announced in late February i did not realize this very journey
would be such a mental and emotional struggle. As my second trimester came i felt continuously off
not present and with all the political issues in this nation i just thought my cage was raddled.
I soon found that with in weeks of passing my third trimester things got darker and quite honestly
enough for me to request medication and psychological assistance.
There was one small little problem i as not able to take medication due to the possible side effects that it might have on my already troubled pregnancy. You see there was concern of low birth weight or under developed organs due to my single vessel cord.
So after discussions i opted to maintain my mental state hidden and untreated.
After all what's a few months....
After the birth of my son i was looking forward to going back to normal, That was not the case now my illness had a name *Post - Pardum Depression* This was also with a mix of terrible night terrors, anxiety and as a victim of abuse a more dangerous problem my abuse memories came back to haunt me. Here we are 5 months later in a sore, tired, hurt, bruised, delicate, frustrated and scared state.
I'm mentally not even able to get up some days, I'm back to the feeling of being alone in one little tiny raft in the middle of a giant ocean with no voice and at times want to exist. The thing is this is the best my life an career have ever been and here i am not happy or just not here.
The death of my abuela, My new marriage, My mothers new cancer treatment, My daughter, The birth of my son.... more and more kept adding up i was able to juggle but here i sit at 2:12am crying quietly as not wanting to wake up my family.... or admit i have an issue.
I can't tell you how many times i wanted to reach out but i was to embarrassed too,
Even with some of the most amazing opportunities in my hands i just feel empty.
Even reaching to friends...
I ask how ? why? and i just go with my most popular excuse - They are busy.
Defeating my self and being the tough kid
I don't need a break my art is theraphy
But why am i not sleeping, why can't i just get better instead of worse?
When does this stop?
I just want to stop walking around feeling like am drowning.
I just want you to know am not ok and i may need you soon.
I'm tired of crying alone.
"Boring Women Never Made History"
It's been an interesting year to say the least, Not in a bad way more in a GREAT! way.
This year i traveled around the United States, Gained New Friends and Coworkers, Learned the impossible is not really a word in my vocabulary and saw yet again
my mother stand up to fight Cancer.
This year was about Challenging everything as the new me but i can't really gather the words to tell you all how different life has been and how amazing people have helped me overcome said challenges with love and the proper attention i needed,
My mother has been fighting cancer since April (again) Lung and Breast, I was able to be there thanks to Marilu and her generosity. I was able to see her in before surgery and after but my mothers request stood. ( " You must deal with all of the things in your life and this at the same time. You can't drop the ball this is what it is to be an adult" ) I worked the whole time she was in surgery. Shows and their line ups, Emails and Press Kits. I think i eat too...
Coming back was hard and being away was harder but learning that you can't control everything was the biggest lesson this year.
You can't control Life!
You see you have a world of people around you that help you when you ask, It has taken me a minute to understand that and move forward with the idea i can give people things and they can help me figure it out. Cue in the oh! that's brilliant right?
I produced with my team over 18 shows this year, worked as a managing director for Aura, Volunteered for Cleveland Pride Parade and Festival for my 5th year, Gay Games and More.
Still even found that my dream of going to Burlesque Hall of Fame Came true, I even go to spend that time with old and new friends volunteering.
The Festival was awarded by City and State in August!
Our festival made a profit and so did my team,
If i feel down this year, I had help standing up -
Realizing i never let my mom down was more important to me,
I finally was able to have a freedom, One i did not know i had of just going with the punches.
I was a more influential parent by finally brining my daughter out to meet my world, not sheltering her from it as i was attempting to do. She now has a chosen family.
The stress of my year became just work flow,
It became life flow,
It was just MY Life to live!
Those words alone make me realize that am sitting here writing again with a cup of coffee thinking how amazing my life continues to be on my own terms now.
My 30th birthday was celebrated and i did things i wanted to do and i had wonderful friends to sit there and just spend time with me. My party at The Side Quest was a table full of
friends spending time with me and meeting each other,
Not coming to a show to see me or catching me for 5 minutes on the phone.
Lexinton, KY gave me the continuing flow inspiration and a new sister.
Charlotte, NC showed me more care and joy but gaining time with a beautiful new close friend of mine that was more then accommodating and wonderful to me. Even do i might have been heart broken there i moved quickly with out question out of the funk.
All of these are life lessons, I did not let them tear me down or
throw me off but I let them teach me!
Teach me there is things out there that are just here to make you learn, I did learn!
I can't wait to learn more this year coming up !
As chance may have it Mom is doing great with Chemo and her tumors are shrinking and soon will be gone, The shows have been productive and we are getting the stroll of it. I have a new Co Producer! I have a new Family! I have bad days and they are just fine.
I Have You!
And I Love You!
Every year for the least half a century hundreds of burlesque performers, fans and friends attend the Burlesque Hall Of Fame Reunion at The Orleans Hotel and Casino in Vegas, NV. Full of glee did i watch for the last 11 years of my career as they all posted pictures on social media and told tales of grand magical women that would simply take the stage and glide a crossed it with grace and then rip it to shreds but some bumps and grinds. This year i thought that i gain will not make the trail due to a family illness... but with the kindness of my friend Marilou i was able to attend the weekender and of corse if you know me well and my volunteer background i offered my hands, body and soul fully to #BHoF to let me work. You see the best experiences in my life have been volunteering helping those organization i believe in with all heart, This one is close near and dear.
There was nothing more amazing then to step inside this journey with my roomy for the weekend Sizzle Dizzle, I was like a kid on Christmas day that got everything she ever wanted in the candy store. Really to be honest i was moved to tears at the site of my peers receiving me so warmly- It was the family reunion i always dreamed of and finally got to attend.
Deana Pendragon and I got the pleasure of seeing Vegas on wednesday- It was so refreshing to be with my burly sister thru our Vegas discovery there was tears upon the arrival of the Burlesque Hall of Fame Museum- It was like coming home truly- The Bellagio Fountains took my breath away.
I was truly in a world of wonder!
From Thursday to Sunday Night it was like i was in Disneyland, I just enjoyed volunteering way to much for the crew of BHOF and not to mention the wonderful legends of burlesque that i met thru the weekend. Every night full of discovery and wonder as well as excitement with every showcase on Thursday Sizzle Dizzle from NYC stole my heart with her performace it brought most of us to tears and for me due to my mother it really did hit home. Friday was legends night and that brought me to tears every single performance was beautiful, Saturday for the tournament of tease HOLY RHINESTONES!!! Just amazing showmanship and Sunday for Icons i was delighted to see all my favorites modern icons of burlesque. I Will never miss this weekender again!
I'm very greatful for this experience it seems like it recharged me creatively and emotionally, The Team like Dr. Shocker and Red Herring as well as Joyce made such an impression on me. There dedication to BHOF was quite breath taking...!
Daniel Colby and Lou Lou D'Vil together are a riot, I loved talking to every one like they were a long lost sister or brother. My time with mama toni elling was precious there it was wonderful to be able to shower her with gifts... She is such a doll .. We she is the satin doll.
Dinner with some of the girls brought me to the conclusion that family will always be where you least expect it, Meeting Latin legends was the highlight of my weekend honestly it made my life to know that i as a latina have a large heritage in the burlesque world. The Legends panel for me was filled with amazing and beautiful moments knowledge and beautiful stories.. I even got to ask a question.
I love the inclusion of my LGBT Family in the weekender, It's so rich and such a safe place to be ones self that it really brightens up my day to know that i was part of it. When I saw this i grew more fond of the opportunity granted to me of volunteering for the weekender. The best times of my life have been as a volunteer and to be able to put my hands to work in this small way to this large event has been one of the most memorable journeys in my life. I have gain so much confidance and acceptance for my self as an artist thru this weekend that i just can't wait for next year.
Thank you Deana, Thank you Mari, Thank you Bhof attendees, supporters, performers, staff and volunteers. You made this girls life a bit brighter and more colorful and gave her the dream of a lifetime. A memory for the ages is in the books.
It's not often that i become smitten to this degree with a store, I tend to just shop where i can try to find what suits my body more. One day there was an angel dropped from shopping heaven an her name is Rachel Kacenjar Owner of Re/Dress very amazing shop incline for the curvier, fuller body types or as i like to call them goddesses.
I was invited to the grand opening party for the store in Tremont, OH. There i found an energetic staff that was both nice and helpful and quickly went shopping, I found this one dress on a rack and usually i know not to get my hopes up, never in my size. Well boy was i wrong every thing in this store could in fact fit me and there it started running in the dressing room to try on this gem, I felt like it was christmas morning as i quickly took off my clothing and slipped into the blue wonder that was this dress. IT FIT PERFECTLY! I was so in love, smitten and in my lust i simply handed the sales girl my card and said "ILL TAKE IT AND AM WEARING IT OUT!" tags came off and my shall on and i waltz over to Rachel and stated "I have never done this" Finished my transaction and the price well perfect too!. A Euphoric High was administered by a such a simple action.
Let me tell you why Re/Dress ROCKS!
They devote their merchandise to woman from sizes XL to 4X, All you in between sizes they have things for you too. They carry bigger sizes in vintage clothing!
Their have everything, In my eyes the accessories can make the outfit work, let's face it a new outfit is just like a new hair cut for some of us and the accessories are a part of our individual iconography that really make the look us and more then us individual.
Re/Dress also carries independent designers, The ship makes sure they bring fun prints and individual looks that are such a hit with many people. The fabulous costumer service just makes my heart flutter, A customer mention during their resent visit "I'm among my people" to her mother as she shopped with other curvy goddesses. I yet again had the pleasure of shopping their end of year sale this past Sunday, December 29th, 2013 - I was on a hunt and yes i found just what i wanted!
To my lovely surprise they had, A Make Up Artist on hand, Alteration Professional, Hair Styling Guru and Fashion Advisors at anyones shopping disposal at no cost. Also a wonderful snack bar :)
I started looking at everything and found a grey sweater dress perfect for Cleveland Weather, A vintage Green Scarf and a lovely boyfriend cardigan in a bluish grey. I got my hair braided and not to mention made new friends and saw some old. Again customer service at this store is amazing! The girls were ready and willing to help you with anything you may have had questions with and it was really hard not to take all the clothing off the rack and play dress up.
I strongly suggest you pay this store a visit, Is worth your time and not to mention treating your self to something new and fun! :) <3 Trust me when i say being a fan from the moment i walked in you will not regret it :)
Re/Dress CLE is located at 2678 W.14th street in Cleveland, Ohio's Tremont district! Come through the door to our shared space with A Separate Reality to enter our store.
Hours of operation:
Thursday, Friday & Saturday 12pm-8pm
We are also available for private appointments Mondays and Wednesdays 1pm-8pm. Private appointments are free and can be made by calling 440-941-2482. Please call at least 48 hours in advance to make an appointment. We will reach you within a day's time to confirm your appointment time!
Fittings and style consultations are available during your private appointment for an extra fee.
Please call for more details.
My mind was so busy, My heart was in pain.... it seemed that i have made a poor decision ... I thought. Today? This Show? My Body? I never realized how much i depended on that body stocking... When i was packing i did put it in the bag, I may need it i thought to my self... I really do need it... I NEED IT!
I reassured by friends and colleges that i would be fine, the sheer fact that people were coming up to me telling me how i touched them with my story made me so nervous. My story? What did i do? nothing yet...
Prepping was not easy... time had come to pick... and i made my choice as i was assisted by Dot Mitzvah over my stupid thought my private parts would show or as i put it "what if my vagina falls out?" she giggled... I was told to tape my under where down to my skin .. yeah.. i did.. I feel bad for drag queens now..
The pasties were on and the pantie in place... I ran to Cheeky Cheetah and showed her so she could check... she said it looked great... The doors are open... Cue Panic Mode...
I was walking in circles... my mind was busy and my heart felt like it was going to explode... Friends really were there for me.. It was like a family reunion. Festivals always are but why why was i going back and forth about my body?I did escape to the bathroom with my bag.. and i almost put the stocking on... almost instead in my knees i started to cry, After calming down i said- I should be fine. The show had started.. I even ran tech... We good right? Right? I fixed my make up in the stall and walked out like nothing ever happened.
The acts seem to move slowly at first but then before i knew it it was time to go back stage and get ready. As i slipped into my costume and was glittered and assisted by the kittens (stage hands) Panic Attack- keep calm... keep calm.. breathing... then our of nowhere it seem like "From Cleveland Ohio Bella Sin!"- MC Called my name... I looked up to the ceiling and went... Are you with me? I recall now i may have been speaking to my poppy.. he had recently passed..
So There i was on stage going thru my song.. Oddly aware of everything around me.. First time ever this has happen and i was trying to control my emotions..
First The Glittering Rhinestone Gloves, Then The Baby Blue Dress Slides Off and Then I realize the dress is off... Shit! then the 6000 rhinestone bra hit the floor shortly after followed by my gold beaded shimmy pattern ... All left is my gold glittered tasseled pasties, Glittering Rhinestone gold fringe pantie and my nude tights and glittering shoes... then it hit me... THIS IS ME! AM OUT! The Crow was going crazy and cheering.. mind you most of them did not know this was my first time really taking it off going bare!
I took my bow and went back stage.. where i promptly held my tears back and got dressed.. Minor thing about being nervous you forget your underwear is taped to your private area.. yeah... (ouch)...
got ready and To this moment i can't put it into words that can amount the proper description... but my best try was... Im Free! after i steeped out i was told i was great and all that it was like walking in a tunnel... i was aware but i was not there... My friends hugged me other burlesque girls congratulating me as if i have won something.
Then it Hit... I Did- After 11 years all i have ever wanted to do is accept my self mind body and soul... and at that very moment i realize like never before YOU ARE FREE! YOU ARE YOU! YOU LOVE YOUR SELF! YOU ACCEPT YOUR SELF! Then I was just trying not to cry.. sooooo hard... i did take a moment to my self and went to the restroom... shut the door and broke down..It was over! IT WAS OVER! and 1 day before my 29 birthday Dec 2nd 2013 I had achieve the task of 11 years.
To Show My Self On Stage... it took me 11 years to bare my self in stages... 11 years to accept it..
Thank you to all who have been part of this achievement, I scored 111 in total out of 150 :)I did not walk out with a crown or trophy but i came out with some thing more valuable more glittering then anything i could have asked for... From The bottom of the floor i broke thru and flew and now am flying... just look up since am soaring! Tonight is my debut in my home town of Cleveland... and am very happy about it!
The Body Stocking is something i no longer depend on but some thing i can choose from if i want to a simple prop... Now is just me! - B
I will be blogging really significant parts of my journey...
Today i got the net stockings, Went to Kohls to grab them and they seem pretty sturdy- I cut them from the top bands and then slide them up and then put these nude hair bands on them to hold them up and it gives that "Butt Shelf" some of the girls have so far so god.. am getting antsy- It seem to fit just fine and the rest of the costume does too.. just pretty nervous.
rediscovering what you body feels like against fabric is thrilling but at the same time nerve racking!
Well Here it goes.. more soon!
With love - B
My 29th birthday is getting closer... December 2nd, 2013- Jesus it's been a year really it has.. giggles- Up Downs and All Around-
Some of you have asked me for a wish list and well here it is, top 10 things i want for my birthday! All 10 items are things i really want and could help me go a couple of extra miles with costuming make up and such.... Everything i get or do comes out of pocket so if you really want to here is a set of things i really really want for my b day! Some of these will be based on hobbies and geekness - that is a word! giggles
E-Gift Cards Electronic Gift Cards that require no shipping :)
1- - Shipping Address Contact Requested
Joann Fabric Gift Cards
5- Ebay Gift Cards- Email firstname.lastname@example.org
When i started burlesque there was nothing around me to coach me thru my beginnings as a burlesque artist, to tell you the truth all the research i did was online and via books and that could not have prepared me for my debut performance in Akron, OH.
What was i to know? I was not aware that 11 years later i will be sitting on the other side of the looking glass. Teaching has not been an easy task to take based on the fact I'm so passionate about what i do. The first few time i taught was to my troupe mates and that it self was a overwhelming task to provide the guidance that was necessary for them to hit the stage. In time i spoke to another studio (B Studios) and then other workshops thru the ohio burlesque festival those gave me the tools needed to develop my teaching method and after years of trying methods and ideas it finally came. My own brand of teaching.
I asked my self what i wanted to put out there for the masses to learn and the question was simple but the answer was not, After soul searching and researching with peers i understood that burlesque teaching was a calling to more then showing people how to unrobe to a room full of people but it was more about learning about our selfs, our bodies and helping those people develop their own brand of burlesque.
With the Cleveland Burlesque Academy fast approaching, I have been hard at work making sure the core learning curriculum is comprehensive and exciting. I want the people that attend the workshop to know the important parts of burlesque and the stage as well as in all seriousness the fun that it came come to give one, The fulfillment it can give to ones soul and heart.
I'm well aware i have touched many lives in my time as a producer/performer/teacher and other, but this time i don't just want to touch that life i want to to plant a seed of bravery that i help nurture in time. Many say they want to learn just to have fun and that is great but i want you to learn because you are ready to unrobe to your self. This is not going to be a step ahead to just a performance oh no... This is a step ahead to a very loving amazing journey you will start with your self and your body, to embrace... love and believe in your sensuality.
The programing at the school took me a minute to figure out but being that i have at my fingertips some of the best teachers, i just can't wait to reveal all the full time programing for the drop in classes we will have special guest. The drop in classes require no reservation nor pre registration these are fun exciting cardio driven burlesque work outs that will sass your skills up, not to mention belly dance, make up tutorials, sensuality seminars, sexuality ideas and him and her workshops.
The 14 workshop is a full burlesque beginner to intermediate extravaganza with 14 weeks of full on burlesque training classes to help you develop a complete character, act, stage persona and more like history, dance, parade-pose and peel and costuming! as well as the fun parts and business of burlesque. That is alot to learn but well work it.
So if you want to come and be part of something new and fun.. come and just enjoy a dance class or a full workshop.. Consider this over the holiday season.. our programming is scheduled based on the holidays so not to worry you will still get to do everything and then some!
See you soon
Headmistress - Bella Sin
Burlesque Performer and every day glitter seeking glamour lover!