My mind was so busy, My heart was in pain.... it seemed that i have made a poor decision ... I thought. Today? This Show? My Body? I never realized how much i depended on that body stocking... When i was packing i did put it in the bag, I may need it i thought to my self... I really do need it... I NEED IT!
I reassured by friends and colleges that i would be fine, the sheer fact that people were coming up to me telling me how i touched them with my story made me so nervous. My story? What did i do? nothing yet...
Prepping was not easy... time had come to pick... and i made my choice as i was assisted by Dot Mitzvah over my stupid thought my private parts would show or as i put it "what if my vagina falls out?" she giggled... I was told to tape my under where down to my skin .. yeah.. i did.. I feel bad for drag queens now..
The pasties were on and the pantie in place... I ran to Cheeky Cheetah and showed her so she could check... she said it looked great... The doors are open... Cue Panic Mode...
I was walking in circles... my mind was busy and my heart felt like it was going to explode... Friends really were there for me.. It was like a family reunion. Festivals always are but why why was i going back and forth about my body?I did escape to the bathroom with my bag.. and i almost put the stocking on... almost instead in my knees i started to cry, After calming down i said- I should be fine. The show had started.. I even ran tech... We good right? Right? I fixed my make up in the stall and walked out like nothing ever happened.
The acts seem to move slowly at first but then before i knew it it was time to go back stage and get ready. As i slipped into my costume and was glittered and assisted by the kittens (stage hands) Panic Attack- keep calm... keep calm.. breathing... then our of nowhere it seem like "From Cleveland Ohio Bella Sin!"- MC Called my name... I looked up to the ceiling and went... Are you with me? I recall now i may have been speaking to my poppy.. he had recently passed..
So There i was on stage going thru my song.. Oddly aware of everything around me.. First time ever this has happen and i was trying to control my emotions..
First The Glittering Rhinestone Gloves, Then The Baby Blue Dress Slides Off and Then I realize the dress is off... Shit! then the 6000 rhinestone bra hit the floor shortly after followed by my gold beaded shimmy pattern ... All left is my gold glittered tasseled pasties, Glittering Rhinestone gold fringe pantie and my nude tights and glittering shoes... then it hit me... THIS IS ME! AM OUT! The Crow was going crazy and cheering.. mind you most of them did not know this was my first time really taking it off going bare!
I took my bow and went back stage.. where i promptly held my tears back and got dressed.. Minor thing about being nervous you forget your underwear is taped to your private area.. yeah... (ouch)...
got ready and To this moment i can't put it into words that can amount the proper description... but my best try was... Im Free! after i steeped out i was told i was great and all that it was like walking in a tunnel... i was aware but i was not there... My friends hugged me other burlesque girls congratulating me as if i have won something.
Then it Hit... I Did- After 11 years all i have ever wanted to do is accept my self mind body and soul... and at that very moment i realize like never before YOU ARE FREE! YOU ARE YOU! YOU LOVE YOUR SELF! YOU ACCEPT YOUR SELF! Then I was just trying not to cry.. sooooo hard... i did take a moment to my self and went to the restroom... shut the door and broke down..It was over! IT WAS OVER! and 1 day before my 29 birthday Dec 2nd 2013 I had achieve the task of 11 years.
To Show My Self On Stage... it took me 11 years to bare my self in stages... 11 years to accept it..
Thank you to all who have been part of this achievement, I scored 111 in total out of 150 :)I did not walk out with a crown or trophy but i came out with some thing more valuable more glittering then anything i could have asked for... From The bottom of the floor i broke thru and flew and now am flying... just look up since am soaring! Tonight is my debut in my home town of Cleveland... and am very happy about it!
The Body Stocking is something i no longer depend on but some thing i can choose from if i want to a simple prop... Now is just me! - B
Burlesque Performer and every day glitter seeking glamour lover!