It's been a while...

I've sat here and re wrote every single word over and over. 

Since my second trimester of pregnancy last year i have been very quietly battling a debilitating mix of mental disorders that have been slowly taking hold of my mind and body.
The toll is really starting to show and i just need to be vocal about it to my friends and fans, as i feel like am being swallowed alive. 

Is been a bit terrifying to have depression and anxiety during my life, 
as past incidents have been always in my mind to avoid being still enough to think.
As my little bundle of joy was announced in late February i did not realize this very journey
would be such a mental and emotional struggle.  As my second trimester came i felt continuously off 
not present and with all the political issues in this nation i just thought my cage was raddled. 
I soon found that with in weeks of passing my third trimester things got darker and quite honestly 
enough for me to request medication and psychological assistance.

There was one small little problem i as not able to take medication due to the possible side effects that it might have on my already troubled pregnancy. You see there was concern of low birth weight or under developed organs due to my single vessel cord.
​So after discussions i opted to maintain my mental state hidden and untreated. 
After all what's a few months.... 
​
After the birth of my son i was looking forward to going back to normal, That was not the case now my illness had a name *Post - Pardum Depression*  This was also with a mix of terrible night terrors, anxiety and as a victim of abuse a more dangerous problem my abuse memories came back to haunt me. Here we are 5 months later in a sore, tired, hurt, bruised, delicate, frustrated and scared state. 

I'm mentally not even able to get up some days, I'm back to the feeling of being alone in one little tiny raft in the middle of a giant ocean with no voice and at times want to exist. The thing is this is the best my life an career have ever been and here i am not happy or just not here. 

The death of my abuela, My new marriage, My mothers new cancer treatment, My daughter, The birth of my son.... more and more kept adding up i was able to juggle but here i sit at 2:12am crying quietly as not wanting to wake up my family.... or admit i have an issue. 

I can't tell you how many times i wanted to reach out but i was to embarrassed too,
Even with some of the most amazing opportunities in my hands i just feel empty. 

Even reaching to friends... 
I ask how ? why? and i just go with my most popular excuse - They are busy. 
Defeating my self and being the tough kid

I don't need a break my art is theraphy 
But why am i not sleeping, why can't i just get better instead of worse?
When does this stop?
I just want to stop walking around feeling like am drowning. 

I just want you to know am not ok and i may need you soon. 
I'm tired of crying alone. 

​Bella