It's been a while...
I've sat here and re wrote every single word over and over.
Since my second trimester of pregnancy last year i have been very quietly battling a debilitating mix of mental disorders that have been slowly taking hold of my mind and body.
The toll is really starting to show and i just need to be vocal about it to my friends and fans, as i feel like am being swallowed alive.
Is been a bit terrifying to have depression and anxiety during my life,
as past incidents have been always in my mind to avoid being still enough to think.
As my little bundle of joy was announced in late February i did not realize this very journey
would be such a mental and emotional struggle. As my second trimester came i felt continuously off
not present and with all the political issues in this nation i just thought my cage was raddled.
I soon found that with in weeks of passing my third trimester things got darker and quite honestly
enough for me to request medication and psychological assistance.
There was one small little problem i as not able to take medication due to the possible side effects that it might have on my already troubled pregnancy. You see there was concern of low birth weight or under developed organs due to my single vessel cord.
So after discussions i opted to maintain my mental state hidden and untreated.
After all what's a few months....
After the birth of my son i was looking forward to going back to normal, That was not the case now my illness had a name *Post - Pardum Depression* This was also with a mix of terrible night terrors, anxiety and as a victim of abuse a more dangerous problem my abuse memories came back to haunt me. Here we are 5 months later in a sore, tired, hurt, bruised, delicate, frustrated and scared state.
I'm mentally not even able to get up some days, I'm back to the feeling of being alone in one little tiny raft in the middle of a giant ocean with no voice and at times want to exist. The thing is this is the best my life an career have ever been and here i am not happy or just not here.
The death of my abuela, My new marriage, My mothers new cancer treatment, My daughter, The birth of my son.... more and more kept adding up i was able to juggle but here i sit at 2:12am crying quietly as not wanting to wake up my family.... or admit i have an issue.
I can't tell you how many times i wanted to reach out but i was to embarrassed too,
Even with some of the most amazing opportunities in my hands i just feel empty.
Even reaching to friends...
I ask how ? why? and i just go with my most popular excuse - They are busy.
Defeating my self and being the tough kid
I don't need a break my art is theraphy
But why am i not sleeping, why can't i just get better instead of worse?
When does this stop?
I just want to stop walking around feeling like am drowning.
I just want you to know am not ok and i may need you soon.
I'm tired of crying alone.
I know you think I talk a lot, so my writing is probably about as long winded. I don't know what you personally are going through because everyone is different. However, I know what depression and anxiety are all about because I have been there and am still there to some degree. I have battled ppd and anxiety since the birth of my daughter. However, it was probably since the loss of my first miscarriage. I will not go into the details here, but if you ever want to know how bad it was, please feel free to ask. Suffice it to say, I felt worse knowing that I finally got my rainbow baby and felt like a sack of shit for being depressed, like I had some huge character flaw. Having my tbi relapse on top of it seemed like the nail in the coffin. I am just now trying to put myself out there and try to live life again. It took a really long time, and some days it is still a struggle. I want everything to be perfect...parenting, blogging, pin up, and upcoming performance. I do not reach out to people when I should believing everyone is either busy or doesn't have time for me or maybe sometimes I even feel they probably hate me anyways. It is a shitty place to be. However, when I do reach out...whether it is from writing or just simply letting something slip when I am with a friend, I am finding that my anxious thoughts are not true. We are not meant to be little islands, floating and doing shit all on our own. We need to seek tribes and let out things before they cause us more harm. I hope the best for you, and if you ever need to talk, please feel free.
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Burlesque Performer and every day glitter seeking glamour lover!