Some wonder how is been...

Being sober makes you deal with demons you did not know you had or those you kept ignoring. On a night in 2019 i looked down to my wrist and a knife at this point i have not slept for 4 days, i was so tired i just wanted off the ride…  Tired of everything. Everything. 
Something said "go to bed" and so i turned around grabbed a beer and drank it in a few minutes… I went to bed… This repeats it self a few times thru out two weeks. 

I sat down in my work station and realized what was happening, I panicked so busy like it was nothing i stopped drinking. I was afraid to turn into my birth father ever so much more afraid of what may happen if i did not stop. 
Week 1 thru Week 10 was absolutely terrible o was craving it and felt the need instead I'll read, take a bath or work..
Weeks passed and 100 days later i noted i did not need it but still thought of it, but then the demons came fast & hard. Days crying and beating my self for failed friendships, relationships, parenting and work choices, conversation from years or weeks before. Anxiety attacks non stop going into 170 days about everything and detached from my friends and family. I have been quiet about it to people and not discussing much but after a few friends break ups i was so done with the need of friends. 200 days in having to deal with my mothers cancer evolving and moving to something worse… I wanted to drink.. I needed comfort from somewhere my vices were gone and so i sat and created, cried alot in the shower like any grown adult. Thru this time i also realized i was inside and out that i always knew but i never put the name to it. I was non binary i was happy but also i just exploded with the news… I was over being cute and quiet…. From day 200 to 250 where i am now i realized being sober means dealing with your feelings, not escaping them nor avoiding them. 
From failure to success everything was 150% more intense! How? Why? I still don't know and don't think i will. 
I did not travel much this year am also growing in business that it self has been alot to much but i wanted this… So now in this moment o tell you am all here and awake… Not drinking has made me raw but awake aware and available to deal with my past and present to come thru a better me tomorrow. 
Evolving yourself is no easy work, getting to know you is not easy is hell honestly getting over pain and trauma has been there has been stupid hard but I'm getting there. 
I hope to make it longer then a year work out alcahol or medication. Yes no depression or anxiety meds this is key for me, i gave myself the challenge and abilities to grow on a very hard level and am happy i did… 

My healing started with this and it will continue with other things like outer work…

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